A gentleman I corresponded with recently said he always thought he was a dominant man.

Now he's not so sure.

This man - a longtime proponent of DD  and self described "Dom" -  is vexed, he says, by the societal changes that have put women on a more level playing field with men - both financially and socially. 

These changes have made women more self-sufficient  More confident.  More powerful. In short, these changes have made women less dependent on men and therefore - in his mind - less in need of leadership.

He's wistful for society of years past, when the husband truly was King of His Castle and submission among women was commonplace. In those days it wasn't such an odd notion that a man could put an errant wife over his knee for a lesson in behavior modification. John Wayne did it. So did Ricky Arnez. And on TV, no less.

Now all that's changed, said my male correspondent, and he just can't see spanking a woman who makes more money than he does. He's just about given up on DD and has decided that maybe it was a silly notion after all - the stuff of fantasies best left to days gone by.

So how does this happen? How does a man who identified himself as a "Dom" for so many years become so disillusioned?

 I think it all comes down to the issue of Philosophy vs. Persona.

When I first met my husband I was quite the sheltered woman. I had a small circle of personal friends and very few important social contacts. I had no job.

My, how times have changed! Seven years later I have a career I love and there are now weeks that I earn more than my husband. I also have surpassed him socially. I now am the one with more important social contacts.

Has this changed the dynamics of our relationship?  Has my husband - undisputed authority of our home - decided to hand over the reigns of control now that I've acheived some personal power?

Absolutely not. My personal success has not given him the slightest bit of an identity crisis because his identity is not dependent upon our domestic arrangement.

Do I need his guidance and leadership any less now that I have become established in a successful career? Absolutely not!

For my husband and me, DD is a workable philosophy and nothing more. If someone called him a "dom" he'd probably die laughing, just like I probably would die laughing if someone called me a "sub". Yet, he is dominant in our relationship and I am submissive to him (well, as submissive as a woman like me can be)

For the "Doms" who are looking at the word as a persona, an honest look at a world of independent, intelligent women can make them think that DD is an unreachable dream.

A lot of men  are frightfully insecure so naturally they are attracted to a large pool of available women hungering for control and the internet is an endless supply of these women.

If  a man want to "invent" an image of  himself as a confident, no-nonsense dom  then it is easy enough to do with such a  following of women all too willing to call him "sir". A forceful personality and talent for posturing can make even the smallest, most frightened man appear larger than life and soon he believes that he is the most Elite of Doms.

On the other hand, cyber is never quite reality, is it?

In reality, the "sub" he ends up with may not be submissive enough to reinforce the image the man is trying to create for himself. Fantasy can only take us so far before "real living" gets in the way.

The woman he ends up with may speak her mind too much to suit his tastes. Or she may be one of those manipulative types who supports the man's desperate desire for a  "Dom" persona long enough to strip him of his assets. Or she could be a deadbeat with no ambition who is simply submissive because she doesn't want the adult responsibility of making decisions.

She may likewise have an image of herself as a "submissive" and in a long term relationship may find herself unable to fit into her persona if her mate becomes weakened by disease or time, or if he suddenly loses *his* earning potential.

This isn't real DD. This is an artificial co-dependent relationship based on each partner supporting a mutual lie.

In relationships like this, a sudden shift in "how things are supposed to be" may be enough to derail the whole thing.

A man may become feel less dominant if his partner gets a raise and outearns him. A woman may feel less the "sub" if her partner becomes ill and cannot physically correct her.

I'd hate to think that my commitment to my husband was so weak or my need for DD so great that if he could no longer enforce limits that I would abandon him. I love him beyond words and if he became ill I would care for him as he has cared for me. What better way to say "thank you" for his years of guiding and protecting me?

For people who enter DD simply as a fulltime way  to reinforce a persona - in my opinion - it is a dangerous and sad situation.
 

I'm not suggesting that we be ashamed to embrace the "dom" or "sub" within us, but remember that in a DD relationship the objective is a harmonious, orderly household filled with love, not the bolstering of a dubious self-image through daily domestic scenarios.

If you are starting a DD relationship, ask yourself this question. "Why do I want this?" Is it because I believe this to be a viable lifestyle choice or am I just looking for someone to make me feel dominant or submissive on a 24/7 basis.

There is a lot of capacity for hurt in relationships where people are less than honest with themselves and with each other.

If we are so tied up in bending ourselves or our partners  into a manufactured persona then we may very well lose the point of DD- and along with it, the relationship.

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