I guess I should consider myself one of the lucky ones.

As one of those fortunate enough to find  a dominant man who was the one to bring DD into my life, I never had to go through the dilemma that garners the most request for help on our mailing list. That dilemma is - in a nutshell - "How do I tell my husband about DD and how do I get him to participate."

It most households, it is the women who are asking for this. I know that there are men seeking DD relationships also, but for now we are looking at the woman's perspective.

I think because it is the interest in spanking that all of us share which starts the ball rolling, it is some time before women realize that it isn't just spanking but something deeper they want - a real disciplinary framework backed up by consequences. For most women, they want those consequences to be spanking; there's just something cathartic about it that is unlike having privileges taken away.

Because of that, many people seeking advice in the past on DD have been told to provoke or ask for spanking, which is really bad advice. Unfortunately, because so many lists don't deal with real DD they are often more "spankocentric". The advice to approach the husband about the need for structure through discipline and not just go in search of spankings from him is what women new to this need to hear most of all.

I've had heartbroken women who had taken bad advice write me frantic, tearful emails saying, "I finally got up the courage to tell my husband that I want to be spanked and now he thinks I'm kinky. He just doesn't understand. It's not just about that!"

Well, of course it's not just about that, although even in a DD relationship erotic spanking has it's place and can live side by side with disciplinary spankings.

But for men, who often take things at face value if his woman tells him that she wants to be spanked then that is just what that means to him and he'll either think it a nice new "spice" in the bedroom or will simply tell her he's not interested in playing those kind of sexual games.

So the woman - by being a little but not completely honest - has saboutaged her first attempt to introduce DD and she is devastated.

Now I'd like to take a look at what she should have done instead.

While DD often incorporates spanking, that is far from what it is all about. DD is about a loving disciplinary framework worked out and agreed upon by both partners. In this relationship, rules are laid out that both can live with from a compliance and an enforcement standpoint. She has to feel comfortable obeying them; he has to feel they are important enough to enforce. He has to agree to follow through. She has to agree not to abuse her need to feel boundaries by breaking them intentionally just to get punished. This relationship shouldn't feel like a parent/child setting but a system between two equals.

So now that we know what DD is, how should a woman ask for it.

Well, first, it helps to have already established a relationship with your man where you can tell him your feelings and insecurities without the fear of reproach or ridicule. You should be in a good relationship with a man whom you respect. If  the relationship is already rocky or the guy is an unethical jackass, the last thing you want to do is implement a system where there is a power imbalance. If your marriage isn't strong, shelve DD awhile and work on the relationship. You can always try to implement it later.

If you can talk to him, tell him that you have a deep, unmet need for limits and guidelines. Tell him that you feel secure living under the rules of loving authority. Reassure him that you aren't looking for a daddy but more of a mentor figure who will shepherd you within a loving framework.

Give him time to absorb this. Remember that in our politically correct culture, a male-dominated home may seem almost like an alien concept. In the initial conversation you may not even want to bring up the subject of  rules or consequences. Just let him know about your needs. Answer any questions he has as honestly as you can.

If he does understand and - best case scenario - this appeals to him then you will want to start brainstorming together about a possible rules and consequences. At this point you could bring up spanking. He may embrace the idea or he may really shy away from it because men are told they shouldn't hit women. It's a good idea at this point to let him in on what you already know, which is that quite a few principled men and women are living in arrangements where spanking and other consequences are used quite effectively. Again, give him time to absorb what you have said. Surf the net together and check out the 1HouseholdDiscipline list linked off this page or similar lists on the web. If he's so inclined he should solicit advice from some men who are already established as dominant partners in their relationship.

If he is open to the idea of DD, shower him with love and appreciation. If he is reluctant, be understanding and patient. If he flat out refuses - worst case scenario - respect his feelings and try to imagine how you would feel if he were trying to convince you to discipline him. Some men are not interested in being a dominant partner and as much as it hurts, if you are in a relationship to stay then you must not push something on him that will bring him unhappiness.

Building a DD relationship is like building a house. It requires a good foundation of respect, understanding and patience. If approached in a prudent manner dividends will pay off in the long run and you will both have a household that is the richer for it.

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