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I was a subconsciously precocious
child, aware mainly of my father (rather than my mother) as the centre
of my life. The precociousness was not in the form of unsocial behaviour
- rather, I think I was aware that I had the skill to manipulate my father.
I was a tiny child with dark hair, and large black eyes. He adored
me. The bond and trust that we had shared evaporated in my early
puberty when my father overstepped the mark - events which recurred and
which I believe have played a major role in creating the person I am today.
I ceased to respect or trust him.
I have always been attracted
to strong men: men in positions of power rather than glamorous careers,
tall well built men, a strong face, forceful and clear-sighted - men who
perspire self-confidence, dress confidently, walk powerfully, know who
they are, why they are there, and what they want from life. Generally,
however, men these days are feeling emasculated by societal changes, feminism,
and political correctness. If I had my chances again, I would have looked
more closely for a man who is not threatened by me nor scared to tell
me when I am wrong or to take the matter further if I persist in damaging
behaviour. If I could do things differently, I would wait longer
before giving myself so swiftly into the care of incompetents. I
am far from clear headed when my heart (and hormones) kick in.
I came to be involved in household/domestic discipline via erotic spanking.
To me erotic spanking is the playful administering of hand spanking; it
not done to cause damage or pain and is no different from any other sort
of erotic activity that any other vanilla couple may engage in.
I find myself continually bemused by the inclusion of spanking in the
realm of BDSM. I do not regard myself as a member of the BDSM community
except by default. I do not indulge in bondage and domination (other
than in light-hearted play), sadism or masochism. I have an interest
in Japanese art and rope bondage, but from an artistic viewpoint.
I have no interest in pain, humiliation, degredation or slavery, nor do
I understand it.
While I am the first to accept the label of "submissive", I
do not relate to those members of the BDSM community who use their labels
"Dom/sub" "Master/slave" with pride. I cannot
relate to BDSM chat rooms where I am ordered to lower my capitals, ask
to leave the room and call the moderator Sir. Will I bollocks!
I may stand alone with Vicki on this and am prepared to accept that BDSM
is a very large continent with lots of different communities and coffee-coloured
blurry bits (sorry for the mixed analogy) but my vision of harmony and
love within a relationship in which I can spend the remainder of my life,
is one where BDSM does not exist. Discipline may involve a disciplinary
spanking, but not one designed as as a sexual tool, nor one of domination
- simply one where the head of the household makes the decision that it
has become an inevitable necessity - as a father does when a child needs
to be shown the error of his ways and is then free to return to the fold,
loved and forgiven, the lesson learned. It would not be administered
for the intent of giving corporal punishment to delibately cause bruising,
break the skin or make it impossible for the recipient to sit for a specific
length of time. That, IMHO, is not loving discipline, but masochism.
It would be sufficient for the purpose for which it is intended. Disciplinary
spankings from parents stop when it becomes clear that the child has learned
the lesson, not when bruising becomes obvious or blood breaks through
the surface of the skin.
I seek only harmony and peace. I want to share my life with a man
whom I can look up to and trust, a father-figure, mentor, guide, partner,
leader; someone who will enjoy, respect, love and laugh with me and vice
versa. I don't want to spend my time mind-reading, trying to find
clues to understand what I am doing wrong (or right, since it is just
as important to give praise and thanks). Like Vicki I want the wings
to fly but need the boundaries defined.
There is much to be said for the value of Real Men - the John Wayne, Sean
Connery sort of men; "Don't mess with me" kind of men who know
who they are, what they want and then get on with it. I am
sure there are more just like them out there - if so, come in, sit yourself
down, warm your feet by our fire, and join in the discussions.
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